Resolutions for Building a Bigger Life

Take Steps to Build Connection.

A bigger life. No, this isn’t a reference to carbo-loading before your next triathlon. Nor is it a call to upsize your house, number of dependents or credit card bill. Towards the end of holiday grazing season, it’s easy to focus on dress sizes over life sizes. But a bigger life, one that is rich in connection, will enable traction on long term goals such as legacy-building and dream achievement, creating credible paths to fulfillment and success.

People generally trek into one of two camps as January approaches: either methodically listing their New Year’s resolutions or categorically shaking their heads at such unmeasured optimism. But the majority of us will at least pause for a brief moment of reflection as we cross the border into a new year. For it’s a marker. A roadside sign that shows how far we’ve traveled and how far we’ve yet to go.

Every other “put your best foot forward” article is going to tell you to set goals for your health, finances and career —which is great advice. So do that. But consider that most of these laudable choices will be more effectively achieved with a powerful interpersonal support system.

So pause and measure. How connected are you? Forget the obligatory work comrades, neighbors with whom you have a nodding acquaintance and those sideline parents who are more of a “familiar face” than functional friend. Consider whom you interact with as opposed to those you stand or sit alongside. A life webbed with strong interpersonal connections holds more opportunities and is worthy of your time and effort to build. If you have a lengthy list of “should call” and “should do lunch” names buried under good intentions —it’s grow time.

     

  • Clear Space. Who has the time? None of us. And yet making strong connections will actually save time in the long run. Your more fully developed network will provide you with recommendations for mechanics, accountants and new hires. It will be your backup when you have a sick child or “not-as-advertised” blind date. Your network will be both your sounding board and your fan club. Admit it. You need this. So it is well worth devoting calendar space to some connection time.
  • Fix Your Focus. Juggling too much? That sounds about normal. Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca-Cola Enterprises, once described multi-tasked living as a process of keeping rubber and glass balls in the air. While our tasks will differ, prioritizing our families requires that we designate them as one of the glass “do not drop” balls. Redesigning your kitchen is a rubber ball that will bounce. You may even be able to double dribble some of your lower priority social connections as well. But bubble-wrap your spouse/significant other and children and keep an attentive eye on that ball.
  • Choose Varied Connections. If all your friends work in HR or have matching company logo coffee mugs, you need to diversify your friendships. This is like having a team of quarterbacks. Who’s going to catch the ball? Surround yourself with women with varied careers and pursuits. You aren’t going to learn anything new from a high-heeled clone of yourself. And if you don’t know how to throw a decent dinner party—and hang out with similarly stunted friends— you aren’t going to eat very well on the weekends. Seek passion, conviction and commitment. Encircle yourself with accomplished and motivated-to-accomplish women. Energy sparks energy, so look for inner momentum. Solid positive connections will create bridges to anywhere you want to go.
  • Double it Up. One terrific strategy for creating connection time is to incorporate another tangent goal. You plan to hit the ground running in January? Literally? Then seek out a running buddy. But don’t stop there. Regular gym workouts with weight work will make the difference between getting older and aging gracefully, and may actually hold the process at bay for a while. Do your weight sets with a female friend to build in accountability and connection. Split the cost of a trainer and you’re making a more economical financial choice as well—all while growing a relationship with a like-minded friend.
  • Find Face-to-Face Options. Phone calls don’t count unless they’re punctuated by actual face-to-face communication. Choosing to create time for someone establishes esteem for both the individual and the relationship. Value your friendships, old and new, by scheduling regular coffees, lunches or happy hours. Aim to create at least two one-on-one friend spaces in each calendar week. And be open to spontaneous opportunities. Maintain growth by seeking out potential friends and business contacts and following through with at least an initial coffee. A certain number of relationships will fade through job, life or location changes—so continue planting seeds to maintain a continuous harvest of connection.
  • Grow with Group Gigs. Growing your connections can be as easy as setting up a regular, open-to-all happy hour meeting. Encourage friends to bring friends to multiply new mutually beneficial links. This low pressure, two-hour commitment will allow you to sift through “contacts” to choose “connections.” And by encouraging an inclusive atmosphere in which all are invited to invite, you create an infinity pool of professional and social possibilities.
  • Include Networking Events. Yawn… Yes, sometimes. But it is difficult to grow a diverse network from an insulated workspace where time constraints force most of us to focus more on culling the flow into inbox, voicemail and calendar than on expanding our sources. Filtering is a necessity, but closing off the stream will eventually dry up the pond, so aim to schedule regular business/social networking events. Remember that you don’t have to score a direct association at an event for it to be construed a success. Contacts have contacts (who have contacts) who could become a connection.
  • Be the Mentor. Remember those early job interviews when you agonized over resume wording and sending the right message via your choice of pumps? There are women—on this very day—laying out conservative earrings and practicing firm-gripped handshakes and friendly greetings for tomorrow morning. Help them. You’ve earned your confidence. Share it with another. What’s in it for you? Connection to someone who will birth new ideas and improve what you’ve begun—and chances are quite good that you will learn something in the teaching of another.
  • Resist Connect-the-Dot Thinking. It’s tempting to view connection as a connect-the-dot sort of endeavor, achieved by working a room with a fistful of business cards augmented by quick phone call “check-ins” between appointments to fan the flame of friendships. But it can—and should—be so much more. Instead of doing the time saving, quick tie knot—”Here’s my card. Let’s connect on LinkedIn”—focus on weaving connection into the fabric of your life. People themselves are the discoveries that lead to innovative ideas and solutions. Your key connections, male and female, will provide valuable support, provide affirmation, spark ideas and help you along the path to being your best self. Having reliable connections—ones you can occasionally lean on and, often, laugh with—is that valuable extra layer that will enable you to weather personal and professional squalls with dignity, grace and assurance. Building a bigger life through connection will perpetuate a better one.

When Now is Never Enough

Living in Distraction.

We made eye contact, and I powered down the passenger side window. “I’m glad you’re OK!”

She took a deep breath. “I’m pretty quick on my feet but had glanced down at my phone. That was close.”

As the woman slowly drove on, I looked over to Debbie, in the driver’s seat beside me. “It’s kind of the same thing, isn’t it? No one’s really paying attention to the moment they’re in.”

We’d just witnessed an “almost” accident as a harried driver did a rapid reverse from the parking space beside us, barely missing a woman walking back to her car. Runaway shopping carts used to be the be the biggest risk in grocery store lots. Now it’s two tons of accelerating steel guided by a distracted driver who, mentally, may already be ten miles down the road.

Ironically, Debbie and I had just paid last respects to my own mangled vehicle. Its jumbled contents, left behind during my recent squad ride to a nearby trauma unit, now filled the back of her SUV. Most likely, the young woman who turned into me had simply reacted to sudden motion from the driver ahead of her. His quick acceleration into a left turn had prompted her to do the same, without noticing the lack of a green arrow on the traffic light or me, steadily advancing through the intersection toward her.

As we slo-mo’d toward impact last Sunday—Fate irrevocably in motion—there was sudden recognition that life might end or be forever changed. But in the next moment, as the airbag smoked and my hands and face burned from the chemical release, I could see, hear, feel, and think. I could even step out onto the busy highway and look toward the car, the sobbing woman, and her panicked dog.

“I’m so sorry,” she mouthed, “Are you OK?” I nodded, pointed at her, and she nodded back. We’d all been lucky: she, me, her dog in the back seat, and that third driver who’d squealed on and away.

In the hospital that night, as they monitored the bleeding around my heart, I was simply grateful. That I was basically intact. That I hadn’t been an unwitting weapon of death for an innocent passenger. But as Debbie and I sat in that parking lot two days later, I felt frustration, fear, and a little anger. I remembered the phone-scrolling woman I’d driven alongside a couple of weeks earlier whom I couldn’t, despite my dozen or so increasingly horrified glances, catch even once looking at the road ahead of her.

I’m not one for drama. In fact, my oldest son ribbed me about my texted messages from the emergency room. “Do you have plans tonight? I might need a ride later.” But distraction is a far too common theme for our species these days. I’ve written extensively about its detrimental impact on interpersonal connection, and its terrible ties to the loneliness that afflicts too many amongst us. And it strikes me as so very sad that many of us live in a state of disengagement, always looking for “better”—bored with the present moment before it’s even begun. We have trouble living in real time and send our brains forward like an advance team, leaving our bodies to go through the motions. And by the time we physically reach the goal, our minds have already moved on to somewhere else in the future or past, or to a smartphone distraction, because we already burned up enjoyment with distracted anticipation. Now is never quite exciting enough.

One of the big selling points of self-driving cars is their potential to compensate for human error. But while faulty perceptions and reactions happen to us all, it seems the biggest improvement might be a simple adjustment to gratitude—for each of us to grow greater appreciation and awareness of the moment we’re in—and the people we’re with—right now. In this moment.

About Date Like a Grownup: So...think you're ready? Great! Not sure? Check out my book. It's kind of a roadmap to dating well. I know, I know... we all have GPS, who needs a map these days? Well... I did. Could definitely have used one if you know what I mean. But many men and women are, shall we say, "directionally challenged" when it comes to dating. Read—and learn—from their stories. And it's OK if you laugh a little...they all know we're laughing with them. Check out my Facebook page, hit "Like" and stay in touch! We'll have fun! I promise!

Coming soon… 

The Friendship Upgrade:

Trade Clickable Connections for Cabernet Coaches and Face-to-Face Friends

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